My plan was thus:
Organize everything up to the end of week before boarding. To relax on Monday and Tuesday, to say bye to the city and to my friends. Embark on Wednesday, arriving in LA on Thursday and buy my lap top, and then enjoy my friday going to Santa Monica, seeing the sea and on Saturday go to the Zen Center in the mountains and on sunday begin the seshin (retreat Zen, when you practice with more intensity).
The reality was thus: until the last minute I didn’t stop, my things needed to be all packaged, because what was not the case, had to go to a box, to be saved while I’m out. And, in spite of my effort, all my shoes, some books and other things, stayed there, without going to any box. When I arrived in Los Angeles I was absolutely exhausted. And I felt Los Angeles as an odd city, everything is far and almost there is no public transport. I didn’t go to the beach even in a dream.
I realized that it would be best rest , buy the lap top calmly and only then go to the mountains. When I called for the Zen Mountain Center to talk if I could go in the other week, the person with whom I was talking felt bad, because we had combined that date. Lastly, I excused and I explained that I had no way of knowing before, that just after coming that I realized that I could not go. I think I got me explain. But even so, unplugged the phone and drops in crying. Frazzled! Frazzled of everything that I had to do in São Paulo before coming, parched of flight, with the feeling of “what I’m doing in life?”
Despite the tears, I realized that I took the right decision. And in the following days, resting, organizing my stuff and participating in activities in the Zen Center of Los Angeles, I realized that it was even better. One of the Zen teachings is to perceive reality as it really is, and not as if I would like it to be. And this is true for our own capabilities. The important thing is to deal with the reality and not as it should be. Finally, I arrived in LA frazzled and in the first day I felt without ground, without knowing how I feel in a strange city and having to deal with my weakness.
Now, after a few nights of good sleep and have been wonderfully welcomed at Zen Center, I feel calm to have taken the right decision, but it only happened because I experianced my doubt.